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#76
03-16-2011, 02:43 PM
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I like it Davy! Very good! I think Raven's Cove is a bit more spooky now. 0_o
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#78
03-22-2011, 04:30 AM
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Quote:
It wasn't that bad mate. It seemed a bit rushed, but who cares! More chapters! 
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#79
03-23-2011, 12:04 AM
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Have to admit, besides the Kudgel/Bellrog banter, I wasn't very fond of the chapter. As Sharky mentioned, it felt rushed, but it also lacked the sense of forboding. It seemed a tad.. predictable, as well. Charge through the mines, meet the klutzy pair, fight off some ghosts, go and see El Patron. Not much surprises.
However, it was nessecary to move the story along, and I wait in anticipation to see what epic bout we look forward to! |
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#80
03-23-2011, 12:06 AM
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I was quite distracted while making this chapter. I'll tell you what. I'm going to get rid of that, and post a new chapter. I agree, this one was crummy. I'll see if I can get a better one out soon.
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#82
03-23-2011, 02:02 AM
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Here is the rewritten version of the previous one, which I will be deleting.
Chapter 12: El Patron’s Mine The first thing that was noticed was the dark. If it weren’t for the torch that Sam held, and Smelly leading the way through the dark, they would have been hitting their heads on walls, tripping over tiny cracks, and getting completely lost. The second thing noticed was the chill. Not the regular cold that emanates from a cave that never sees the sun, but an unnatural chill, saying that there was something unnatural about these mines. Not only was it dark and cold, but it was completely quiet. Other than the sound of the Sorcerors’ boots stepping onto the stone beneath them, there was absolutely no sound coming from the cave. Any water that was within these tunnels was still. “This place is dead quiet,” Sharktooth muttered. “Don’t use the word dead please,” Zolina responded. Davy was quiet himself. He decided to examine the tunnel they were going through for what felt like the hundredth time. It wasn’t very wide; perhaps three people could stand side by side in it. It was probably about three meters high, with some small stalactites dangling from the roof of the tunnel. Occasional stalagmites stuck out of the ground, but they were less than a meter high. There was very little of anything in the area that showed signs of life, or living death, in the tunnel other than the occasional torch. Oddly enough, most of the torches were still burning. The group noticed, but didn’t comment or ask questions. They all knew the answer to how they were still burning deep down. The tunnel that they had been following for the past five or ten minutes suddenly made a bend, and the group emerged into a large, circular cavern. The roof of the cavern was far above them, with massive stalactites looming overhead, some big enough to impale an elephant. There were three other tunnels leading to other parts of the mine at each side of the cavern. In the center was a large slab of stone with a wooden totem standing on it. “What have we here?” Davy murmured as he walked towards the totem. He examined it, rubbing his hand across the strange object. On the face of it was a skull carved out of bone, attached to a diamond shaped piece of wood. Bits of straw poked out of the sides, giving it almost a mane like a lion. It was attached to the stone beneath it by a thick piece of wood. “This looks like a grave,” Dan observed. “This whole place is a grave…” Kate muttered. “That be true, but this grave is a wee bit more special!” a voice said. Smelly growled and bared his teeth, and the group turned to see who intruded them. Two ghostly men stood before them. They had a blue mist, meaning they weren’t too hostile. Either way, the Sorcerors kept their blades handy. The one that stood on the right wasn’t too tall, and was a bit heavy set. He wore a straw explorer’s hat, white suspenders, and loose fitting pants that would be easy to walk for long distances in. He looked like an explorer of some sort, someone with some brains. The person that stood next to him was the exact opposite. He wore similar clothes, except he had a Spanish Conquistador helmet upon his head. Probably the former’s bodyguard, he had scars across his face, signaling that he was not one to mess with. Strangely, the two figures carried no weapons. “Who are you, and what is your purpose here?” Billy demanded, hand on his dagger. “Who are we?” the explorer asked. “My name is Bellrog. Dr. Bellrog actually. This here is my bodyguard, Kudgel.” “Kudgel destroy!” the bodyguard exclaimed excitedly. “Shut up you nincompoop!” Bellrog said, smacking Kudgel across the face. Davy thought for a moment that Kudgel would beat the daylights out of Bellrog, but Kudgel just looked down, ashamed. “Ahem, anyway, long ago, and by long ago I mean hundreds of years ago, our purpose here was to map out these mines. That’s who we were. Explorers, trying to get a map of this area to give to our government. Unfortunately for us, we were smack dab in the middle of the battle between Tiberius Fireskull and El Patron. You do know the tale, yes? You do? Good. Well you see, when Captain Fireskull sealed the mines, he not only sealed El Patron and his crew in here, but he sealed us in here too! We survived off rations we had for a few weeks, but we eventually starved to death, and our souls were sealed here forever.” “Wait a moment,” Meg said. “You said that you’ve been trapped here for centuries? That means that you know the location of El Patron!” “Of course I get no sympathy,” Bellrog muttered. “Bloody pirates. I do know his rough location. I have not dared venture into the depths of this mine, even with Kudgel here.” “Then you could tell us,” Guy said. “Ehh, I suppose I could,” Bellrog said. “You should turn back though. He’s not as weak as you may think. I can’t remember the exact tunnels, but find the tunnels that take you into the deepest areas of the mines. El Patron’s tomb is in one of the deepest areas.” “Thank you Dr. Bellrog,” Davy said, politely bowing. “We owe you.” “I’ll keep that in mind…” Bellrog muttered. “Come Kudgel! We must be off exploring! Even though we’ve already seen everything here…” “Yes mustard!” Kudgel excited replied. “ITS MASTER YOU IDIOT!” Bellrog boomed, slapping Kudgel again. “Wait!” Zolina said, holding out her hand. “Yes, young lady?” Bellrog asked. “You said this tomb is a bit more special, what did you mean?” “Ahh yes,” Bellrog grinned, rubbing his hands together. “Well you see, after El Patron’s crew was locked in here, there was one crewmate of El Patron's crew that blamed him for what had happened. He went by the name Foulberto Smasho. He rebelled against El Patron (Much good it would do them! Either way, they're stuck in this hell hole!) along with about half the crew. For about a week, the two sides, each with about thirty men, fought each other. Kudgel and I watched from the sidelines you see. El Patron; however, was too powerful and was able to capture the rebels. He tied up Foulberto and made him watch as he beheaded his four officers. Each one was buried in a tomb such as this one, with this totem to prevent them from rising from the dead.” “So there are five of these tombs?” Dog asked. “One for each officer, and another for Smasho?” “Actually, Smasho’s fate was quite different…” Bellrog said. “You see, he—” Dr. Bellrog was interrupted by the sound of clanking coming from one of the tunnels. The sound of clanking was soon joined by what sounded like the unsheathing of swords. “T’was a pleasure!” Bellrog said. “But now its time to go!” “Wait!” Davy yelled. Bellrog gave a smile, waved his hand, and dissipated into nothingness. Smelly started growling, and soon erupted into loud barking at the mouth of one of the dark tunnels. The Sorcerors drew their swords and waited to see what was coming. Suddenly, the tunnel wasn’t so dark. An orange glow filled the tunnel, and out of it emerged about twenty ghosts, weapons drawn. Instantly, Smelly’s barking was replaced with whimpering, and he hid behind Billy. “Should we…?” Sam started. “RUN!” Sharktooth bellowed. They needed no persuasion. The Sorcerors ran down the nearest tunnel as fast as their feet would carry them. Behind them, the ghosts sprinted after them, howling in their horrible, unearthly voices. Some of the ghosts were armed with throwing knives, many of which were thrown at their fleeing prey. “Look out!” Sam warned, deflecting an airborne knife, saving Davy’s neck. “We can’t run forever! They’re gaining!” Dan said. “Then I suppose we’ll need to turn and fight!” Davy exclaimed. “Go!” The Sorcerors whirled around, each instinctively bringing down their sword. Most of their blades cut down a ghost, sending it straight to the floor. The other ghosts, caught off guard, were quickly charged upon. From there, the fight commenced. Each Sorceror had at least one ghost on them, but most had more. They were good sword fighters, but they were outnumbered. Smelly assisted Billy in the fight, barking and biting the ghosts that was attacking him. However, there was just one problem. The ghosts couldn’t be destroyed by a regular blade. Sam lit his sword ablaze and gave a few good slashes to one of the ghosts that was attacking him, sending it to the floor. It got right up. Kate stabbed a ghost in the face, sending it stumbling backwards. It shook the wound off, and came right back. Sharktooth stuffed a grenade in the mouth of a ghost, and when it exploded, the ghost flew backward. It stood up as if nothing happened, and got right back into the fight. “We need a new tactic!” Dog said between sword attacks. Davy stabbed his sword into the ground, sending the three ghosts around him flying backward. He quickly took a glance up, and got an idea. Above them were loads of large stalactites. If these stalactites could impale an elephant, they would more than suffice for what he needed. “Sharktooth! You’re grenade pouch!” Davy ordered. Sharktooth cut down the ghost that was on him and threw his grenade pouch to Davy. “This’d better work…” Davy formed a ball of fire in his hand, and lit a small flame on the pouch. “ARE YOU MAD?!” Kate screamed. “FALL BACK!” Davy boomed. The Sorcerors ran back, away from the ghosts. Quickly, Davy threw the flaming grenade pouch upward, giving it an extra boost with some voodoo. It lodged itself in a crevice on the roof of the cave. The ghosts looked up, confused, giving the Sorcerors just enough extra time to get a little farther back before the grenades in the pouch exploded. The mine shook with the force of the explosion, and stalactites and rock rained down from the roof of the tunnel. The ghosts screamed in anger. Some of the ghosts armed with knives threw a few in a desperate attempt to wound the crew before the stone sealed them off, but Davy didn’t see any knives get through. Most were deflected off falling rock. After a few moments, the rock stopped falling, and everything was silent. “Look’s like we’re not going back out that way,” Witchdoctor Dan said, raising an eyebrow. “Everyone all right?” Sam asked. “Ahh…” Pirate Guy said through clenched teeth. “That’s a negative.” Zolina kneeled over the body of Pirate Guy. Davy approached and examined him with worry. One of the ghost’s knives had made it through after all. -------------------------------------- Sorry that my last chapter was crummy. Note that this one is REPLACING it, so I will be removing the old post. Anyway, give comments on this one. Hopefully it is better. |
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#83
03-23-2011, 02:20 AM
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Now that's an amazing chapter! First, I'd like to thank you for revising the chapter. You didn't have to adhere to our complaints, but you nonetheless responded. Second, I loved the way this chapter panned out, and how the battle played out differently from the other one. Then of course, you put in your twist-cliff-hanger... Just, excellent.
I just hope Guy is alright! |
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#85
03-23-2011, 10:54 PM
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Aye I hope he is alright... mostly because (lookee here) I want to... sorry dont want say it.... but I wanna be in the story... if possible.
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#86
03-24-2011, 02:08 AM
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Sigh... fame and forutne appeal's to almost everybody, aye?
I'm finding it difficult to recall people who have commented on this thread and DIDN'T want to be a part of the story. |
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#87
03-24-2011, 02:11 AM
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Okay guys, here's the deal about me adding you into this story. I understand that many of you think my writing is very good, and want to be a part of it, but I just don't have room for all of you. Writing my story and adding characters in at random is just not the way I like to write. I do not plan to add more than one or two more people into this story, and I already have a few in mind. Therefore I will not be giving any guarantees if you ask to be in the story.
Again, I'm sorry about that, and I know many of you wanted to be in the tale, but I just don't have room for all of you. |
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#89
04-04-2011, 03:38 AM
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To the followers of my story,
I'm sorry I haven't posted a new chapter. I've been quite buys lately, and I just haven't had too much time. And when I do have some time, I don't have the drive to write it, and if I don't have the drive, then I can't write a good chapter. Please forgive me for not writing for a while. I'll try to shoot for next weekend, alright? |
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#90
04-06-2011, 02:12 AM
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Here's the next chapter. Its not as long, but it is critically important. Keep your eyes out for some foreshadowing of what is to come.
Chapter 13: Whispers in the Dark Not only was the wound deeper than they had expected, but the knife had hit Pirate Guy right at his left collar. He was strong, and the knife had luckily severed no arteries or important tissue, but the arm couldn’t move more than a little bit. “Damn it,” Guy cursed through gritted teeth. Dan was wrapping some bandages around the wound, probably trying to make it more painful than necessary. “That was my sword arm too… what the hell am I going to do now?!” “Just stick close to us,” Davy said, chewing his lip. “Since you can’t use that sword of yours, give that to Billy and maybe you can use a dagger in your left hand.” Guy nodded, and traded blades with Billy. Billy swung the cutlass around a few times, getting a feel for the balance. “Feels a tad light,” Billy examined. “I’m guessing that before I died I was more into broadswords?” Davy nodded, and then Zolina muttered under her breath, “And nasty old Grave Reapers…” “Well, I don’t think that those ghosts will be getting through there any time soon,” Sam said, standing. “Perhaps this is a good time to make camp? I’ve no idea if the sun’s gone down, but I need rest.” The others nodded and began setting up camp. Some pulled out blankets, while Dan collected a bit of scrap wood around the area for a fire. Dog distributed rations of food for everyone, consisting of a bit of salted pork and a small piece of bread. Dan started up a small fire, and the group sat around it for a little while, nibbling their food. Smelly stood lookout on the edges of their camp, acting as a good guard dog. “So, what’s the plan going to be?” Sharktooth asked. “Just keep going deeper? I think that we got set off course a little bit from those damned ghosts.” “I suppose so,” Davy said, twiddling his thumbs. “Now’s a good time to piece together everything that we know,” Kate said. “Aye, from what we knew earlier and from what Bellrog told us earlier,” Meg added. “Alright,” Davy started. “So we knew before from Joanna that El Patron was rising, and that one of my ancestors, Tiberius Fireskull defeated him and imprisoned his crew here in the mines. He had a special divine cutlass that allowed him to ‘kill’ a ghost, so to speak.” “And while he was locked in here, Foulberto Smasho lead a rebellion of about half the crew against El Patron,” Zolina added. “Smasho lost, and his four officers were executed and buried in different parts of the cave.” “But what about Foulberto Smasho?” Dog asked. “I don’t think that Bellrog ever got to what happened to him.” “I’m sure that he was executed right after he got to see his officers die,” Sam responded. “Probably the case,” Davy said. “Anywho, its probably not important. Its El Patron we’ve got to worry about. He’s, well, the Patron.” “Well, if we can get to his grave and destroy his lifeless body, we can get out of here and not need to worry about any of this,” Dan said. “Let’s get some rest so we can be strong enough to battle a few ghosts tomorrow. I’ll also change Guy’s bandages again in the morning.” “Joy…” Guy grumbled. “I’ll take first watch,” Davy said. “Kate, I’ll wake you after three or so hours to take over, and then you can wake Dan about three hours after that.” “Why me?” Dan whined. “Because only humans need sleep,” Davy responded with a chuckle, before getting up and walking next to Smelly. ~~~~~~~~~~ No matter how much Davy tried to ignore it, he couldn’t shake the feeling that he was being watched. Once or twice he could have sworn that he had heard a rock move, or the sound of faint footsteps, but every time he looked, he saw nothing. Smelly was taking no notice at all, which was strange, as he knew the dog to have a better sense of those things than most humans. Whispering echoed in Davy’s head. He tried to shake the sound, but it wouldn’t go away. It wasn’t in his ears, but his mind. Meaningless sounds, as if someone was trying to understand another person while they were whispering at a distance from them. The chill didn’t make anything better. It was everywhere, and no matter how much Davy wrapped the blanket around him, and how tightly he bundled up, he still felt the chill. And then he heard another whisper, but it was different. It sounded stronger, more powerful, and older. It sounded meaningless at first, but slowly became more clear. Davy raised an eyebrow, and grabbed his sword, which lay sheathed next to him on the stony ground. He quietly unsheathed it, as not to wake his friends. He silently tiptoed down the tunnel. After he was about ten or fifteen meters down the tunnel, a deep, booming voice spoke in his mind. Fireskull, it whispered. You know who I am. Davy held up his sword. “El Patron.” You are wise, Fireskull, El Patron whispered in his head. Much like your Great-great Grandfather, Tiberius, who imprisoned me here. You shall pay for what your ancestors have done to me David. You shall pay in blood. “No El Patron, it will be you who will be destroyed, not I,” Davy replied. “Soon, we will be at your grave and you will be destroyed forever. I will complete what Tiberius started. You will not rise.” David Fireskull, you are a fool. Perhaps wise, but you are a fool nonetheless. There is a little detail that you have overlooked that will be your and your friends’ downfall. You will not live to see the light of day! Davy could feel the presence of El Patron’s soul leave. If he was powerful enough to speak directly to me, we must not have much time, Davy thought to himself. Davy headed back to the camp and sat down again. Nothing else happened. Even the whispers had gone away, and now everything was dead silent. The rest of Davy’s shift passed, and he woke Kate to take her shift. Davy grabbed his blanket and wrapped it around himself, laying on the cold, stone ground. As he fell asleep, he could have sworn that he heard the cackling of El Patron echoing in his head. Davy was now certain that he was being watched. --------------------------------------------- Notice anything? If you want, you can share any foreshadowing things I put in there here if you wish. Also, here's a minor spoiler if you're interested. Questions? Comments? Praise? Rum? Tiberius, Davy's great-great Grandfather, will likely be large part of the story later on. Right now, it is just mentioning him... but he'll become big soon. |
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The Lost Phantom
Linear Mode
