Few, are Chosen for Greatness

[muffin pirate]

Little Story I am making. Didn't tell me editor because I wanted to see how good I was...
Well Here It is:

* The Story's Begins *


"Gunshots and explosions, the last thing any eight year old girl wanted to hear. I dropped what I was doing and ran to her house.

Blood-Thirsty Pirates were ransacking the village.

I sat there in the cold with my mother until my father got news from the town leader, Jack Sparrow. Finally, he came home. With a worried face, he told us the news. He was told that he had to rally the Marceline Guild in order to save the town.

My father, leader of Marceline Guild, Had to Follow orders. Before he left he hugged me and told me to hide in the parlor. Then he took his Famed Cutlass and left.

That was the last time I saw him....."

"Wow, I never knew you were related to the famed Captain Walter Rachel", Pirate J said.

"Well now you do J", Rachel exclaimed with a bit of rage in her voice, "But now I must be getting home".

"Well, ok", Pirate J said.

"Bye J!"

"Uh, Good Night Rachel" he sputtered. Breathing Deeply,"Another blown opportunity...."

Rachel took out her cutlass and wasn't afraid to use it. Rachel had been a pirate since she was old enough to sail. She could never forget the death of her father. It still haunted her to this very day. She had made a fair living, but had not been able to afford her own room. She was forced to rent a room at Redrat's home.

She loved, but hated the trek from town to Jack's house. She a affection for the beach. Every once in a while she snuck out just so she could feel the cool breeze against her sorrow face. Life had been hard to her but she had somehow made it with the help of dear friends.

She finally reached her destination. The home of Jack Redrat. It wasn't much, but it somehow fit Jack's standards. As always, Jack had warned her about the skeletons around his house before she left in the morning. She was always careful about that.

When she reached the house, something didn't feel right. As she opened the door she smelled something peculiar.

"Hello Jack.... Eeeekkk!", Rachel screamed, " Jack!"

Jack laid dying on the floor of his own home.

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There you go guys... Post what you think. Sorry it is so short, thought it would be enough but I guess it isn't. I will make it longer next time though. EDIT: I have made the story longer.

[KeeperOfTheCode]

Originally Posted by muffin pirate

Didn't tell me editor because I wanted to see how good I was...

Don't even try to get this past me. I'm your editor. I know all, I see all. On another note, don't just say 'She walked back and forth Tortuga night and day.' You would instead describe her short walk back to town.

Rachel savored the walk back to town, as she always did. All was calm and quiet, save for the few chickens who had yet to settle in for the night. Wind-chimes jingled over old Boatswain's house, stirred by the warm sea breezes that wafted through the numerous shanties. As she headed out toward the swamp, I assume you mean the swamp, as you mentioned skeletons. all the dwindling sounds and lights of the main settlement fell behind her. She was alone, save for the crickets- and the rattling of bones. The skeletons rarely caused her any trouble, but she was wary nonetheless. As such, she was relieved when she finally saw Jack's house. But as she approached, she noticed a disquiet in the air. The light on the porch was out. He never left it out. "Jack?" She was at the front door now. Jack wasn't answering. Finally, unable to stand it anymore, Rachel broke down the door.
"No!" Her sobs rent the night air. Jack lay on the ground, a small scarlet trickle flowing from his mouth. Jack Redrat was dead.

You don't explain. You show. If you've done it properly, a reader won't perceive a storyteller. They will be in the story. Soon, your readers should be able to understand a character's personality.

[Pirate J]

I Like It! Can't wait for the rest

[muffin pirate]

Ok, I'm Back! I want to say thanks for the reviews that I got. And here is the next chapter.
I Present:
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*Transition*

Pirate J had left the pub a little disappointed. He had to wipe away a tear when he thought of all his goofy smiles or silly remarks when he was near Rachel. He was Four at the time Rachel was born. They were the best of friends and have been ever since.

J strode towards his house near the faithful bride. Suddenly, his ears pricked up. He heard a scream. He knew it was Rachel's... He ran as fast as lightning towards her location.

Rachel sat there dazed as if she was hit on the head with a club.

There was a thin film in the air when J reached the bog. He searched the dense jungle-like plants and killed every skeleton that crossed his path. He was determined to find her.

Then he spotted her sitting on the porch of Jack Redrat's house.

"Rachel, what happened?"

"I don't know J, I just don't know...

Pirate J was confused and scared. He didn't know what had happened. His only guess was the interior of the house. The Door opened with a creak that would scare the bones off of a skeleton.

Wait Jack, don't go in there!"

"I'll do what I must Rachel..."

J was stopped in his tracks. There was a dead body in the middle of the floor. He analyzed the body. It wasn't hard to find the cause of death. He had a giant gash in his his stomach.

Now the mood was tense. The bog was infested with skeletons. And too make it worse, a EITC Corporal was in town inspecting an operation run by his men.

"Rachel, we must get out of here"

"What shall we do with Jack?"

"We bury Redrat. Rachel, get your stuff ready, we are leaving tomorrow."

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Please tell me what you think. I want rants telling me how bad my story is... :P Or if my story is that good this time, Compliments...

[Pirate J]

OoOoOo Yummy! Liking it!

[angel 4ever]

ahhhahahahahahaha awesome muffy looooooool

[muffin pirate]

I'd like to give a special thanks to my editor.... You Rock Keeper!

[KeeperOfTheCode]

Thanks. I never thought I'd be so touched by the appreciation of a muffin.