The Dynamics of Failure - A Comedy that makes no sense

[WitchdoctorDan]

Taking a dip into Comedic Writing. I find it much more fun than serious writing. Hey, I might actually make this a regular thing I post on!
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THE DYNAMICS OF FAILURE
A Comedy story telling the story of an idiot, a madman, and a crook. All at the same time. Technology is wonderful.

CHAPTER 1: Which is the idiot? And the madman? And the crook? What is this? Where am I? Who are you? Where is my family? Wh....

"Psst! Psst! Mate! You there, the ugly one!" Someone called through the bars of the Port Royal Debtor's Prison.

Daniel instantly knew he was being called out of the crowd in his cell. He turned. A rather grimy man with jet black hair that sat up in multiple tufts stared at him through the bars. He looked determined. He also looked so skinny that the bars wouldn't hold him.

"Aye?" Daniel called back. He wasn't too bright. Or sober. Or handsome. He always said: "Self improvement is for cowards!"

"My name is Sir Francis Surrey. You may know me as the Mangler of Maine. They never caught me, mind you. Anywho, what are you in for, chap?" The skinny man called back. He was either putting on airs or truly insane. Or both, a man can do both.

Daniel was a little too slow for this fast talk. "I owe a debt." He responded.

"Oh, thank you. Strange to be thrown to a DEBTOR'S PRISON for owing a DEBT YOU CAN'T PAY, no? Do you know what the word specific means?" Surrey retorted.

"What?"

"OH! Nevermind... I have hatched a plan. Are you to go along with it? I can personally guarantee freedom for everyone here."

"A plan?" Daniel thought. Last time he followed a plan it turned out he was just being scammed by an insurance company. But Surrey did not look like an insurance salesman. He looked like he needed to be put away. The latter is more trustworthy, though. "Sure," he responded.

"Good... good.... GOOD!" He said/shouted. "Listen up, halfwit..."

After a half hour of whispering, Surrey had given up on Daniel. "D'oh!.... Just take this," He told Daniel. Surrey had handed him a makeshift knife made of glass and bandage. He then pulled a rather large key from his pocket. A very large key... with a fuse.

"Duck and cover," Surrey said with a smile. He aimed the key for the lock and lit the fuse with a match he produced from his nasal cavity. It fired, slamming Surrey horizontally into the wall and the door off it's hinges. The front side of the bars soon followed. A thunderous roar filled the dungeons. Footsteps were heard from the guard's quarters above. Only one Navy Petty Officer guarded the base. He stormed down, wrestling on his trousers and priming his musket, uttering swears. He reached the dark dungeon and looked around.

"What the blazes was that?" he said while affixing his glasses. He caught sight of Daniel standing in the outline of the old cell. "YOU THERE," he called to Daniel, "What is this! What happened to my cell!? Why..." He was cut short. Daniel hit him with the butt of his own musket. Irony has been quite tasty at times, such as this one. Daniel looked at Surrey on the ground.

"Surrey, on your feet. Oi, what have we gotten into?"

Surrey got up slowly. He ignored Daniel and looked to the men in the outline of the other cell. "Skedaddle, gents." He told them. They all complied. All... but one. He was tall, had blond hair and an eyepatch over his left eye. He was dressed moderately, like a rich man on a stroll. He approached Surrey. "I know what you're after... (I would call you professor, but I'm guessing the Royal Society doesn't call you that anymore.) And I want in. I can swindle whoever you need on the way, ex-Professor. And there is our bodyguard," he said, nodding to Daniel at the end. "I will go this time... Just don't let it end like last time."

"Alright then!" Surrey said cheerfully, acting as if the tall man wasn't there, "let's go onwards then!"

"Surrey!" The man called.

Surrey reluctantly turned around. "Eh... uh... Fine. Just don't do anything stupid, Edward. And don't give any of that 'Gesellschaft für Deutschland' load this time. I highly doubt they will come and pick you up. You AREN'T a German spy. I mean, you might be able to swindle sauerkraut, but that's pushing it."

"We'll see about that, vain fool." Edward said inaudibly.

There was a tense silence on the way out. Daniel broke it. "Anyone ever ate the food on a ship?"

They left talking about hardtack and weevils while a ship pulled into harbour nearby...
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Likes it? This is just a funny little story designed to make no sense and make you feel dumber after reading, rather than smarter. Let me know what you think!