The Pirate's Life

[Ameila]

The Pirate's Life is a story made from the community of POF.
I want to thank CrimsonRabbit for the idea of this story, and all who posted.
See the special thanks area at the bottom of the story.

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The Pirate's Life a story from The Pirate Online Forum Community
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The pirate went to the bar and got drunk. He fell asleep there and in the morning was confused. He left the bar and he stumbled upon a fat EITC grunt waddling about the street. Thinking it was a penguin he feared he had sailed too far south, so he ran to the docks and saw that he actually sailed to the nice island of Tortuga!

Oh, what a wonderful place it is! But he heard the yell of a damsel in distress and he ran towards the sound and saw Scarlet with her biggest problem yet! She had broken a nail!! The pirate went back to the docks and tried to weasel a fingernail file and polish for Scarlet from Orinda. Orinda, now exceedingly jealous, slapped him!!

So he sailed to Devil’s Anvil in search of crab shells for nail polish and he got plenty. He went back to his ship, only to realize someone stole it! So he dropped the shells and went straight to Barbossa’s cave and begged Barbossa for the loan of a dinghy. After rowing for 6 hours straight he finally got back to Torgtuga only to realize that he had left the crab shells on Devil’s Anvil! He decided that Scarlet wasn’t worth it and by that time he was in need of another drink, but he had no gold.

Having no gold, needing rum bad, and only a dinghy for a ship, he needed to make some gold fast. So he braved a couple of skeletons for Sam Seabone for 35 gold and headed to the Rowdy Rooster for a drink when suddenly he was hit by the worst smell he had ever smelled in his life. He turned to see a short squat man beside him and by the look and smell, one would have guessed he had been in the belly of a kracken for several years.

Since he was either dizzy from rum or the odor of this short pirate, he spoke to him, asking what horrible things could have placed him in this current rancid disposition. The short squat man was happy to oblige and rambled for hours about piratin’ about, cursed Aztec gold and Davy Jones. A story of a Spanish treasure lost fathoms deep to a wicked storm that Davy Jones himself rose from the depths in an attempt to pay a Voodoo priest to return him back to his human form. The Voodoo priest attempted to take the gold and curse Davy instead, but it backfired and Davy’s crew killed and burned him in the caves of Tormenta. Then, out of the blue, he mentions a treasure map he’d had that would lead him to this gold lost somewhere on Tormenta…but he’d lost the map! He thought perhaps in Kingshead jail where he had recently been release from, but he did not know. Contemplating that map comment, the pirate chuckled at the gentleman, tells him he’s had too much to drink and then the pirate goes to the bartender to buy a bottle of cheap rum.


He sets sail in his dinghy to Kingshead. After several near misses with the navy and a skeleton ship he makes it. Upon entering the front gate the pirate walks up to the biggest officer on the field and offers him a drink. He replies, “Arrest that pirate!” and all the veterans join in the chase. Then the pirate brings out his maxed out staff and lay waste to the whole area. Of course that takes up all his voodoo so the officer brings his backup of assassins! Seeing as the pirate is low on gold and he only has a dinghy in the horrid seas near Kingshead, he feels as though he’ll be sent right back to Fuego. So he makes a run for it! Right into a wall!!!

He wakes up several hours later in jail, he looks around and wonders, ’how am I going to get our of here?’ and then an officer kills him…

The pirate regains consciousness and finds himself in Tia Dalm’s hut.

“I…I…I thought I was dead,” he mumbles.

“Yes,” Tia says, “ but you also, among many, have a touch of destiny about you. Capt’n Jack himself brought ye to me. They had to leave. The Navy was on their tail.”

He heads out of Tia’s hut, steals a dinghy from a hut nearby and sets out to find Captain Jack. He makes port at Torturga and heads for the Faithful Bride. There, Jack and Joshamee are sitting playing cards and drinking like nothing is wrong. He walks up to the table and Jack tells him to set right back and hear a tale:
“A tale of a fateful trip...
that started from this tropic port
aboard a tiny ship.
The mate was a mighty sailor man,
the skipper brave and sure.
We all set sail one day for a three-hour tour.
The weather report had been all clear,
but a storm was brewin’ instead.
I had to land my ship on an isle
and fight the Spanish undead.
No hex shot! No daggers!
No tonics! Were the frequent war crees!
We fought and fought and fought,
til’ forced back on the sea….”
After realizing that Jack had been drink with Gilligan, the town’s rummy, the pirate shrugs the story off. Jack also tells him that they need some gold to pay the crew to take the Pearl back. The pirate remembers the lost treasure map story and again sets out towards Kingshead to find the lost map. He was just about to launch his boat when he realizes that his ship needed repairs. So back to the Faithful Bride he goes to win at poker. Soon he has nothing left because they wiped you out. So he shoots all the poker players and the dealer and takes all they’ve got.

He repairs and boards his ship and catches a trade wind past Devil’s Anvil. He is off to Kingshead, his mission: to get that map. Then he sees the stinky short pirate on his ship that was stolen from him on Devil’s Anvil. The short pirate yells, “Ahoy!” and throws him a line. The pirate is mad and puzzled at the same time as he gets close to his old ship. The short pirate opens fires and the pirate’s ship begins to sink. He jumps overboard and begins to swim back to Tortuga and ends up being captured by the Black Pearl. Then a pirate by the name of Hippopotamus steps on the officers and sails the Pearl to Jack. Jack yells at the pirate because that Pearl was just a war galleon that was painted black, so he hits Jack and starts beating him up.

Jack wakes up and he’s so angry that he refuses to speak with the pirate until he can find him the items needed for his new octopus tattoo. Well, knowing exactly what he needs to obtain a tattoo, he once again sets sail, noticing that the winds haven’t changed since he was last out. Then he realizes that the winds don’t ever change. He ponders this for awhile and comes up with the conclusion that it is no concern of his.

He decides to put off the tattoo for now and go back to Kingshead for the gold. He gets there, walks right up to the gate and then he get’s ready for his friends wedding. He leads everyone in the chicken dance when suddenly someone yells, “Take Cover!” and he and his friends do the new dance sensation that is sweeping the nation: the Take Cover. When his dancing is seen by a very pretty girl, he works up the nerve to go over to her and ask her out. She slaps him three times and only then does he realize that she is his mom! He decides to leave and join the peace corps to help people on the tropic island of Dancing With the Stars. Realizing this island and any like it are about to be cancelled, he decides that the pirate genre was much more appealing to pirates. So he finds his boat and set sail back to the Carribean when all the sudden a loud crashing noise jars him from his deep sleep!

He realizes that the chicken dance, his mom and Dancing with the Stars was all a horrible nightmare. He should’ve known this from the start because normally you’d want to be a part of So You Think You Can Dance…which is much sexier and more provocative. None the matter, he needs to put his boots on and go up on the deck to see what that noise was. When he reaches the deck, he notices there was a battle going on!

The French and Spanish were engaged in an epic battle. The pirate is with the French, and seeing as they are losing, he decides to help. However, his only ship is a dinghy, so he grabs all his weapons and floats towards the mayhem hoping that the mighty ships battling it out can’t see his wee ship. As it turns out, he was right and he is soon able to sneak up on the backside of a Spanish Man-O-War. As the Man-O shoots firebrand off its port side at his French comrades, he is able to grapple and climb up the starboard flank. With an enthusiastic, “Viva la France!!” he pulls out his sword and heads directly for the biggest spanish officer on the ship! The pirate pulls out his cutlass and performs a series of connected moves that destroy and distort Avaricia's face. He is mad, so he goes into face transplant surgery and the pirate ends up winning the fight. He wipes out the rest of the spanish on the ship. He now has a Man-O-War in his hands. All his friends teleport to him, then he heads off to the french island. The poor, drunk pirate we began with was now a hero! In return for saving the french, Pierre De Porc gives him a Frigate, 1,000 gold, and a month worth of free grog! The pirate is no longer in trouble, and he is certainly not going to get into that again!

The End



CREATORS: Amiela, OFxZeppers, Tobias Redskull, Katie Scarlett, sandman, davy reflint, egore, Swashbuckler, Rackat, Chris, narutocooper, sammyh and CrimsonRabbit. This story wouldn't be a story without you all! Thank you!