In the Kraken's Grasp

[KeeperOfTheCode]

Hello all. Decided to make a second short story on the beasts of the deep. Actually, it's a transition between my earlier story, The Sea Serpent's Call, and the next that I'll be writing. Thanks for reading!

Dawn approached, and though it was a welcome sight after the storm-tossed night they had experienced recently, it also came with a terrible knowledge. The day had come at last, and their mission must be completed. They were to obtain yet another jewel, for its scarlet counterpart had been lost to the depths. One door closed; another opened. They were free of their living master, only to be enslaved by another in the after-life.

As they sailed onward, the dawn faded and again the mists that seemed to forever tread behind them, floating eerily upon the waves, called to them, 'Come, your time on earth is finished. Can you not see? Even now you master sends you to a second death, come back to the rest which awaits you.' Many of the sailors wished to follow the voice, but the captain, as stubborn in un-death as in life, would not allow it. Always he promised them, "When our task here is done, we shall return again to the land of the living! We'll once again feel the warm sun on our backs! Onward! Onward I say!".

Presently they reached the dark isle, wherein lay their quarry. The sound of waves lapping against the shore, mingled with the sound of the wind ripping its way around and through the stagnant bay, reached their ears as the piercing screams of those who had the pain of knowing that they could never leave this forgotten place.

"You two, with me!" the captain ordered. With that, he and his unwilling comrades plunged into what would have been chilling waves, had they still flesh upon their bones and breath in their lungs. They stumbled up to shore, tripping over countless tossed stones, for sure that was what they were, their placement was far too scattered, and too far from the surrounding algae-encrusted bluffs. What creature had done this? The boulders were not as the other stone either, for it was cracked, but not worn. They appeared to be torn straight from the cliff itself, laid across the ground like ancient altars to dark heathen gods.
"We're headed this way now!" The captain called out, his bony finger pointing to a gaping maw in the cliff sides.
"I wouldn't go there even if it were for my life, and I'm not completely sure it is!" cried his second in command.
"In that case, why don't you just stay here!" Before he knew what had happened, the poor officer found himself pinned to the ground, a dagger through his ribs; unable to die, he would lie there for eternity.

With the wretched cries of their fallen comrade fading in the distance, the two remaining descended into the foul caverns.
"Captain!" he cried through the darkness. After losing sight of the captain, the second poor soul had wandered for minutes in the surrounding pitch. "Captain!" Just, then, a noise reached his ears. It was wet and snuffling, like some scavenging beast lay in wait.
Anxiously, he felt his way back in the direction he was sure he had come from, minutes past, he heard claws scraping on stone behind him. Now all he could think about was the getting out of this darkness, nay; not darkness, but un-light, for it was not a force but a void, for he could see no outlines. What beast stalked him here? His mind flooded with stories he had heard when he was a child. Stories of beasts cursed by the gods to live forever in darkness; to guard immortals' treasures. Now, as he felt his way, his hand hit a wall. A dead end! Even as he thought the word dead, he felt that the beast was behind him. He heard snuffling, squealing. Panicking, he drew his sabre. The beast, whatever it was, lunged, tearing at him with razor claws. Valiantly he fought back against it, feeling his sabre making contact often, but in the end, he could not fight such a ravenous beast.

Even as this happened, and the horrified screams of his companion rang out, the captain made his way to the deepest part of what seemed now to be a volcano. He now stood gaping. He was in a wide cavern through which intermittent streams of magma flowed, lighting the veins of gold in the cavern's sides. But what truly made him gape was not the cavern itself but what lay at its end. There stood a monolith.
Upon it lay a dark jewel, as ravishingly beautiful as the scarlet one, but not the same, for rather than glowing with inner light, as had the first, this jewel devoured all light within its reach. He reached for it, and found that it was cold. Jolly Roger would be pleased. Just as he turned to leave, he heard cold, wet snuffling in the next cavern...

[Crestshot]

I think that it's a very good story. You have great attention to detail and imagery. The tone of fear you had in the story was very obvious, but not glaring like "Look at me! This is fear!" It's interesting. You have a good cliffhanger that leaves the reader wanting more, and it's true, I am waiting for the next part of the story. Good job!

[KeeperOfTheCode]

Thank you. Give me a topic and a setting and I'm off! Well, I must admit, I like your works too. They're good as well... in a less dark way.
If you want my theory on good suspense, all you have to do is ask! Just don't PM me; I don't like having to write the same thing over and over.

[Privateer]

Keeper, that's a great story. It really shows you the depths of greed and stupidity. Your story also shows the other side of the story.

But, you need to use synonyms instead of using one word over and over again.
'As they sailed onward, the dawn faded and again the mists that seemed to forever tread behind them, floating eerily upon the waves. It called to them, 'Come, your time on earth is finished. Can you not see? Even now you master sends you to a second death, come back to the rest which awaits you.' '
Instead:
'As they sailed onward, the almost unbearably bright dawn faded and again the dark, cold mists that seemed to forever tread behind their wrecked ship, floating eerily upon the waves. The undulating mists tempted them, saying, 'Come, your time on earth is finished. Can you not see? Even now you master sends you to another death, come back to the rest which awaits you in the depths of this mist.' '

[KeeperOfTheCode]

Ah, but George Orwell, author of Animal Farm, once said that it is not so important to show off one's vocabulary, as to use the right words. If it becomes a 'I have a big vocabulary' contest, then you lose sight of the story's meaning.

[Bart Swordslipper]

You commented on my story, so I read yours, now I KNOW what you mean by detail, nice story.