The Dynamics of Failure - A Comedy that makes no sense

[WitchdoctorDan]

Taking a dip into Comedic Writing. I find it much more fun than serious writing. Hey, I might actually make this a regular thing I post on!
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THE DYNAMICS OF FAILURE
A Comedy story telling the story of an idiot, a madman, and a crook. All at the same time. Technology is wonderful.

CHAPTER 1: Which is the idiot? And the madman? And the crook? What is this? Where am I? Who are you? Where is my family? Wh....

"Psst! Psst! Mate! You there, the ugly one!" Someone called through the bars of the Port Royal Debtor's Prison.

Daniel instantly knew he was being called out of the crowd in his cell. He turned. A rather grimy man with jet black hair that sat up in multiple tufts stared at him through the bars. He looked determined. He also looked so skinny that the bars wouldn't hold him.

"Aye?" Daniel called back. He wasn't too bright. Or sober. Or handsome. He always said: "Self improvement is for cowards!"

"My name is Sir Francis Surrey. You may know me as the Mangler of Maine. They never caught me, mind you. Anywho, what are you in for, chap?" The skinny man called back. He was either putting on airs or truly insane. Or both, a man can do both.

Daniel was a little too slow for this fast talk. "I owe a debt." He responded.

"Oh, thank you. Strange to be thrown to a DEBTOR'S PRISON for owing a DEBT YOU CAN'T PAY, no? Do you know what the word specific means?" Surrey retorted.

"What?"

"OH! Nevermind... I have hatched a plan. Are you to go along with it? I can personally guarantee freedom for everyone here."

"A plan?" Daniel thought. Last time he followed a plan it turned out he was just being scammed by an insurance company. But Surrey did not look like an insurance salesman. He looked like he needed to be put away. The latter is more trustworthy, though. "Sure," he responded.

"Good... good.... GOOD!" He said/shouted. "Listen up, halfwit..."

After a half hour of whispering, Surrey had given up on Daniel. "D'oh!.... Just take this," He told Daniel. Surrey had handed him a makeshift knife made of glass and bandage. He then pulled a rather large key from his pocket. A very large key... with a fuse.

"Duck and cover," Surrey said with a smile. He aimed the key for the lock and lit the fuse with a match he produced from his nasal cavity. It fired, slamming Surrey horizontally into the wall and the door off it's hinges. The front side of the bars soon followed. A thunderous roar filled the dungeons. Footsteps were heard from the guard's quarters above. Only one Navy Petty Officer guarded the base. He stormed down, wrestling on his trousers and priming his musket, uttering swears. He reached the dark dungeon and looked around.

"What the blazes was that?" he said while affixing his glasses. He caught sight of Daniel standing in the outline of the old cell. "YOU THERE," he called to Daniel, "What is this! What happened to my cell!? Why..." He was cut short. Daniel hit him with the butt of his own musket. Irony has been quite tasty at times, such as this one. Daniel looked at Surrey on the ground.

"Surrey, on your feet. Oi, what have we gotten into?"

Surrey got up slowly. He ignored Daniel and looked to the men in the outline of the other cell. "Skedaddle, gents." He told them. They all complied. All... but one. He was tall, had blond hair and an eyepatch over his left eye. He was dressed moderately, like a rich man on a stroll. He approached Surrey. "I know what you're after... (I would call you professor, but I'm guessing the Royal Society doesn't call you that anymore.) And I want in. I can swindle whoever you need on the way, ex-Professor. And there is our bodyguard," he said, nodding to Daniel at the end. "I will go this time... Just don't let it end like last time."

"Alright then!" Surrey said cheerfully, acting as if the tall man wasn't there, "let's go onwards then!"

"Surrey!" The man called.

Surrey reluctantly turned around. "Eh... uh... Fine. Just don't do anything stupid, Edward. And don't give any of that 'Gesellschaft für Deutschland' load this time. I highly doubt they will come and pick you up. You AREN'T a German spy. I mean, you might be able to swindle sauerkraut, but that's pushing it."

"We'll see about that, vain fool." Edward said inaudibly.

There was a tense silence on the way out. Daniel broke it. "Anyone ever ate the food on a ship?"

They left talking about hardtack and weevils while a ship pulled into harbour nearby...
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Likes it? This is just a funny little story designed to make no sense and make you feel dumber after reading, rather than smarter. Let me know what you think!

[Crestshot]

I really think that the feeling dumber after reading part worked. O_O

[Tiberius Fireskull]

Its pretty good! I like it mate! Although be careful with some of the language you use... there was one word that may offend some.

And I do feel dumber.

[Dog Gunmorgan]

I agree with Davy I caught the "bad" word although I know you wanted to use the phrase "bloody ____" because it is definitely british but you could get a similar affect with a word like "blimey" or something like that. other then that it's really funny... you should add more.

[Cannonfury]

lol bloody ...... is not a bad phrase

[WitchdoctorDan]

Changed all the non-PG stuff. I'm like the FBI.

[Dog Gunmorgan]

it's not really but some people take offence to that word.

[WitchdoctorDan]

Due to "popular" demand, I have decided to extend the story. This one is short, but I was tired. Fair trade.
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CHAPTE 2: You left out the "R", stupid.

"Get off of me you fool!" Surrey shouted. Daniel got his footing back after stumbling into Surrey. The night was particularly dark, so the potholes were near invisible. But... he didn't step in a pothole.

"Sorry, I don't have me sea legs..." Daniel mumbled and threw back the contents of his bottle.

"We aren't at sea, idiot. We haven't left Port Royal." Edward responded, rubbing his temples in anger.

Daniel looked puzzled. "Then what smells like fish? PWNED! PWNED! I PWNT YOU N00B!!!!11!!1!!!"

"What was that last part? And I believe that terrible smell is... you." Surrey responded. Just then, a rumble was heard in the distance. Seconds later, a cannonball smashed into the bulding nearby. Daniel stood still as the other two dove down and covered their heads..

"Oh, for the love of..." Surrey mumbled as he pulled Daniel into the dirt.

"Ah haha... Ya got me back!" Daniel yelled as he stood back up. A cannonball flew past and broke his bottle of rum in his hand. He twitched. He then ran into the water and hopped in a boat. Surrey and Edward, confused, hopped into the boat with him.

"Excellent plan, Daniel! We'll sneak out under the cover of night, and we'll just bring her about to the other side of the island and be perfectly safe! Good job, my boy!" Surrey said to Daniel. He thought that he may have misjudged Daniel. He was dead-wrong. Daniel pulled a pistol and a sword (he had stolen both from a sleeping man) and cursed at the ship's crew. He pulled alongside and shot one of the crewman that looked over the bulwarks. The crewman fell into the boat, dead. Then, an army of men appeared at the bulwarks. Three of them threw ropes at the three men, the ropes the tightened around them in a lasso-style manner and they were drug up to the deck. A hundred pistols were heard clattering, aiming at the group.

"Oh. I should have expected this. I would applaud you, but I SEEM TO BE ALL TIED UP." Surrey said/screamed, followed by manical laughter.

"Quiet!" one of the crewmen ordered and put bags over their heads, one at a time. All they could see was the black interior of the bag. The last thing Surrey remembered feeling was being dragged across the deck and feeling a sharp pain to the head.

[Dog Gunmorgan]

must have more... it's getting good!

[WitchdoctorDan]

Working on another Chap., but it may be postponed until Friday. I'll be away from a computer for awhile... sigh...

[Dog Gunmorgan]

take your time mate... hurry up though.

[WitchdoctorDan]

This one has more serious overtones, and be sure to read carefully, you might find out some of the guy's history...
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CHAPTER 3: Ok Davy and Dog, action time!

"Do you think it is okay to kill my crewmen?" A deep booming voice rang the group's ears. The bags were pulled from their heads, but they still could not see who was talking through the thick darkness.

The headstrong Edward quickly retorted, "If they get in our way, then yes."

The voice paused for a second. He then replied.

"I used to think the same way. I used to kill anyone and anything that impeded my progress on my so-called "quest" that I believed I was on. I was a fool, a pawn in a larger game. Death and destruction awaited my crew, and I barely survived. The Urna del Santo is a myth, Professor Surrey. Your doctorate has already been taken, along with your job, your wife, your son, and everything you have strived for (not the least of which being your sanity). All that is left to take is your life. I have enough blood on my hands, but I won't let you be killed in pursuit of something that you know doesn't exist, and I certainly won't let you drag these men to their graves with you..."

Daniel looked at Surrey with bewildered eyes, and Edward scoffed. Edward told the voice:

"There are a few things wrong with your statement, good sir. For one, if you have enough blood on your hands, then why kill the innocent? Two, the Urna del Santo does exist. Surrey sent an armada of Royal ships to the depths just so we could glimpse it, and he wants to acuiqire the elusive artifact this time. Three, I already knew he was going to kill us, so he is not dragging me to any grave."

The three heard a chair sliding back, and footsteps getting slowly closer. A huge, strong-looking man emerged from the shadows. He was covered in scars all over, several deep gashes on his face and arms; and he had an eyepatch with a deep scar over his eye socket. His bicorne hat was covered in what was either blood, mud, or a mixture of both. He grabbed Edward's chin and looked into his face. He told him:

"You call the British Royal Navy innocent? They tried to kill me three years ago in Isla de los Elegidos! Surrey, you remember, don't you?" He transferred his attention to Surrey. "You betrayed them, sending BOTH factions to their deaths. Edward and a chosen few departed to shore with you while I tried to reach you before you landed. I had to tell you what I'd learned, that if you landed then a near certain death awaited you! But your greedy ways betrayed the Navy swine and me... And you acheived nothing. Together, we could have found the artifact. I would have my Society degree, and you would be a national hero, knighted by the king. Edward would have been a hero for improving Britain's relations with Germany on this daring crusade, and your crew would have been rich AND heroes! Everyone would have won, but you turned your ships against me. Huitzilopochtli sunk us all. The vengeful Aztec spirits left no one alive. I floated on end, no crew, trying to return home. I felt like an Odysseus, only my sacrifices were for NOTHING..."

"I-I'm sorry, Confesi..." Surrey replied.

Daniel got his hands free from the ropes that binded him. He pulled a nail out of the ground from behind him and seized the moment when Confesi was talking to Surrey, who was opposite of Daniel, to cut the ropes around his ankles. After he broke free, he snuck behind Confesi, pulled his pistol from it's holster, and knocked Confesi out with the butt of the pistol. He produced a knife from a sheath on Confesi's side and cut the other two loose.

"Never stop surprising me, Daniel..." Surrey muttered. Several shouts in Spanish were heard nearby.

"We might need these." Edward said and smashed open a display for swords. All grabbed one, all but Daniel. He, instead, looked out of a window.

"The boat is directly beneath us," he said "If we go through, we can get out of here." Daniel said. A pounding was heard on the door. On the other side someone shouted:

"Abrir esta puerta ahora mismo! Abrir ahora, o vamos a matar a los tres de ustedes!"

Daniel pulled a cloth from the Captain's table and wrapped it around his hand. He then shattered the window. The door was broken from it's hinges. The Spanish sailors all shouted and pulled back the hammers on their firearms.

"Jump! NOOOOWWWW!" Daniel shouted. As they jumped, a musket volley was fired. Surrey was nicked in the leg as they all fell into the boat. Daniel looked into a bag on the boat and produced a grenade and a match. He lit the grenade and threw it into the window.

One shouted, "¡Cuidado! ¡Granada!". Shortly after, an explosion went off and a fireball erupted from the broken window. The three made haste in paddling away. Surrey pushed the dead crewman from the boat.

"I don't think hitching a ride will do you much good now, friend," he said. He clutched the wound on his leg and cursed.

"Let's just get back to shore..." Edward said.

"I volunteer Daniel for rowing!" Surrey exclaimed. Daniel sighed.

[SEAKING23]

You don't know what the translations meet at all do you...

great story!

[The Stealthy Pirate]

no he doesnt... he probably tried to get a spanish sounding word for grenade.

[WitchdoctorDan]

Originally Posted by Stealthy Cannoneer

no he doesnt... he probably tried to get a spanish sounding word for grenade.

Granada is Spanish for grenade. If you don't believe me, then go to Google Translate. :P